How did you lose her?

How did you lose her?

“I didn’t”
I said with a bittersweet smile.

“I didn’t lose her because she was never mine. She almost was, but somehow she wasn’t.”
Deep breaths

“She has my mind, body and soul and still that isn’t enough”

“She could’ve loved me, you know. And I did love her, I think, as best as you can love someone who isn’t yours. But that was all a ‘could’ve’, not a ‘did’ ”
“And God, does that hurt”

“I am not sure how much I’ve lost, but she lost someone who cared for her more than anyone ever will”
Deep breaths

“If she had been mine, at least I would’ve gotten some clarity out of it, but she wasn’t. She wasn’t, so all i can think about is that she could’ve. That she almost did, and I think this hurts the most”
Sigh

“I was almost good enough for her, but not quite. She almost loved me, but somehow it all got screwed up. And I’ll never get as much clarity as I would’ve if I had gotten to call her mine. Because maybe then there would’ve been a definite reason. But instead I just keep wondering what I did wrong.”

 

“And it just hurts that we were so, so close to the finish line, but we never made it across.
never made it across.”

5:30 AM
13/08/2017

5:10 AM
13/08/2017

You

When I was 9 years old I began making a list of things that terrify me, and I started out writing things such as thunderstorms, bee stings, monsters, and darkness. As I grew older my list did, too and the things I fear now are entirely different; for death, illness, the unknown and, most recently, you are what now keeps me up at 3 A.M

If it makes sense, it’s not love

If its all flowers and gardens.
It’s not love, it’s infatuation.
If you’re swimming and still haven’t sunk
It’s not love, it’s fondness.
If you’re in it just for the smiles and laughter
It’s not love, it’s greed.
If you think its toxic, or the other person is.
It’s not love, it’s your hopelessness.
If you’re still afraid of falling
It’s not love, it’s your desire.

Love is hope, selflessness, commitment and above all conviction.
It has it highs and lows. And that’s how you know it’s real.

Maybe…you’ll fall in love with me all over again.
Hell,” I said, “I love you enough now. What do you want to do? Ruin me?
Yes. I want to ruin you.”
Good,” I said. “That’s what I want too“.

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Escape

ImageFile quote21 weeks or somewhat 4 months ago, I talked about escape, escape through people, conversation, book or hobby.
But in reality it was a different experience, I found my escape in solitude.
The things and reasons that put me there made me question every conversation, interaction and relationship I’ve had so far. And it was painful, to say the least.
I felt so guilty admitting that I was sad, that I was hurting. I don’t know why. It was pretty ironic, in any case. That’s why I didn’t talk about it much. I couldn’t bear to see the expression of disdain on someone else’s face. I couldn’t bear the judgement
It all meant so much to me, and at that very moment it meant nothing. Probably it was god’s plan, or maybe I needed someone to put the burden on. Nothing was right and I had no idea what to do anymore. It felt like I’ve lost control of my life.
I’m no Socrates, Aristotle or Dale Lama, to have it all figured out. And not someone who forgives people who wrong them. But I am hopelessly in love with memories. Flashes from another time, another place.
So many people own a piece of me, be it habit, memory or soul. But one thing I’ve learned is that you don’t have to understand things for them to be.
But what’s next? Bonded to escape?
For me it was reconciliation, acknowledging what I got, be it good or bad. I know it gets difficult, but tell me, does anything worth keeping come easy? It never does, never will. So I decided to pay my regards.
Goodbyes are hard, it’ like dying a little.
But sometimes, that’s the only way.

I have no clue

i-had-no-clue-khawaja-ali-arshad“You’re not happy.”

I could feel her tilt her head to one side as she spoke.

“Are you asking me or telling me?” I replied without looking up from my screen, my fingers typing out the words faster than my mind could keep with.

She shrugged. “Just an observation, I suppose.”

“Well, it would do you well to keep your observations to yourself.” There was no need for such flippancy, especially when she was such a good friend, but what she said had hit a nerve.

It was true. In more ways than one. But admitting it would’ve meant admitting there was a problem. And problems require solutions. Solutions take time. Time, I didn’t have. Not as a guy who wanted the world and more but was constantly falling short. You could blame convention but the irony was that the constant running just made everything that much harder. Stability at the cost of freedom. Trust at the cost of love.

I wonder if we look for things we know we won’t find just to keep up the pretense. After all, at a certain age you know your fears. Mine was losing myself. But it happened anyway. So why was I still struggling? Had I gotten so used to the fight that I’d take on anything as a substitute? For now, the momentum of youth is carrying me but time will catch up sooner or later. What then, I have no clue.

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