Saying “I am fine”

There are days when you feel like an oil spill in the mouth of a whale, when every movement is self-destructive and even your heartstrings are as tangled as the roots of a tree. These are the days when I’m fine isn’t good enough. These are the days when it’s necessary to finally pull up the anchor of I feel like a failure, I need help or even just another hand to hold, I am trying so hard but nothing is happening, this weight is just so heavy and let it rise up to the surface of your body and burst through the waves of disappointment and sadness crashing across your chest.

These are the days when I’m fine is just a pile of stones you need to clear out of your throat before they become a landslide and choke you up.

Honesty is so refreshing. But while it’s happening, it can feel about as refreshing as a hike up Mount Everest. Maybe no one ever told you, though, that “letting it out” doesn’t have to involve letting anything go. It doesn’t turn you into an entirely different person. It doesn’t radically alter your DNA or inject your chromosomes with some sort of corrosive dust. Letting it out doesn’t have to leave you scarred and faithless. Letting it out doesn’t have to leave you with bruises. Sometimes, it can even fade the ones that already remain.

And I know, I know. Most of the time when someone asks how you’re doing they’re not expecting or even wanting to hear anything else besides fine or good. You know that. But it’s not that they don’t care; it’s that they don’t know how to react to someone who is screaming on the inside, their stomach full of a gnarled mess of bats beating their wings against the walls of this person’s skin, someone who would need a C-section just to let all their hurt and not-fine, not-good spill out. It’s that they have no idea how to handle a person who comes up with the startling response of I want to die or This week has left me so crippled emotionally or Just hold me and don’t say anything else.

So sometimes you have to help the listener help you. This can be accomplished through showing as well as telling. Whatever makes you most comfortable- visual or verbal? You can place your palms on their palms, gesture to your lifeline, and tell them that today you wish you could slash it and disappear into the ground. You can make them look you in the eyes until they see every anxiety and fear buried in each iris with claws so deep you’re not sure they’ll ever climb their way out. You can show them a photo of the Big Bang, point to it, and say that’s how I feel today. Or you can come right out and say it directly, no visuals aids, no pointing or motioning or subtext. I feel like shit; I need you to just be quiet here with me for a bit. I’m not doing so well- no, that’s a lie- I’m doing pretty badly. Please help me.

Once the listener hears this, this honesty and truth barreling at them with the speed of a landslide, they’re probably terrified they won’t be able to get out of the way in time before it hits them. But the thing is, you have to let it hit them. You have to let it hit them, full-force, in the chest, because once the landslide collapses into them, they’ll have a much better sense of how you’re collapsing yourself, and why it’s so necessary to understand you and your needs and to help you in whatever way they can. But always remember to be patient. The listener is only human, as are you. They’re likely not going to be a professional, trained crisis hotline operator or licensed therapist. They’re going to have their own struggles and midlife crises and regretted mistakes, just like you. And sometimes, miracle of miracles, they might just be dealing with exactly the same issues you’re struggling with, or at least something similar. So by beginning to help yourself, you can begin to help the other person, thereby helping each other.

Even just the experience of having someone listen to you, not only with their ears but also with their heart and mind, can be such a huge relief. It can begin to clean up the edges of your oil spill, to untangle your heartstrings, to make every motion less painful. It’s a quick relief, not necessarily a permanent fix, but every step counts. And once the listening part is done, and the shock is over, you’re so much closer to I’m feeling better today than you were before.

So spit out I’m fine. Spit out I’m okay, I’m doing alright, and I’m fairly good, thanks for asking. Spit it out unless it truly is the truth. Not into the asker’s face, but into the trash. Or off a cliff, into the sink, down the toilet, whatever suits you’re fancy. Watch it disappear. Then replace it with what you’ve always wanted to say, what you always wished you could say, what you so desperately need to say.

And watch how everything changes.

Muhammad Ali Jinnah محمد علی جناح

Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah
Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah

Let us commemorate 25th December 2013 as the 137th birth anniversary of Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah, Founder of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. Let us implement his guidelines and legacies in letter and spirit. Quaid e Azam is best described by Professor Stanley Wolpret in his book ‘Jinnah of Pakistan’ as:

“Few individuals significantly alter the course of history. Fewer still modify the map of the world. Hardly anyone can be credited with creating a nation-state. Muhammad Ali Jinnah did all three.”

Muhammad Ali Jinnah (1876 – 1948) was an ardent supporter and a strong proponent of a separate state for Muslims of the sub-continent based on Islamic values and teachings. The able leadership and struggle of Quaid e Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah, culminating in the creation of Pakistan on 14th August 1947 as an independent Islamic republic, brought unprecedented vitality to the Muslims of the sub-continent producing in its wake an Islamic renaissance and Islamic idealism. Muhammad Ali Jinnah’s pre-occupation with political issues left him little time to devote himself to writing; but his speeches and sayings have been compiled by his staff and admirers into a series of volumes.

They are all permeated with the need to establish an Islamic Republic for the 100 million Muslims of British India. Muhammad Ali Jinnah firmly believed in Islam as a ‘dynamic religion and a way of life’. “The discipline of the Ramadan fasting and prayers will culminate today in an immortal meekness of the heart before God”, he said in a broadcast speech on Eid day, “but it shall not be the meekness of a week heart, and they who would think so are doing wrong both to God and to the Prophet. It is the outstanding paradox of all religions that the humble shall be the strong, and it is of particular significance in the case of Islam. For Islam, as you all know, really means action. 
This discipline of Ramadan was designed by our Prophet to give us the necessary strength for action.”

Quaid e Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah’s liberal passion for Islam had a long lasting impact on the minds and souls of the 100 million Muslims struggling for a separate Muslim state, turning their intellectual activities towards tackling traditional Islamic ideals in terms of modern standards and requirements. Religion for Muhammad Ali Jinnah implied not only as a duty towards God but also as a duty to Mankind.

At the inaugural session of Jamiat Ulema Islam in Calcutta in November, 1945, Maulana Ghulam Murshid, Imam of Badshahi Mosque, Lahore, met with Quaid e Azam and received a definite assurance from him that the injunctions of the Holy Quran alone would be the basis of law in the Muslim state. In a letter to Pir Sahib of Manki Sharif in November 1945, Quaid e Azam said, “it is needless to emphasize that the Constituent Assembly which would be pre-dominantly Muslim in its composition, would be able to enact laws for Muslims, not inconsistent with the Shariah laws, and the Muslims will no longer be obliged to abide by the un Islamic laws.” 

In a public meeting with Maulana Shabbir Ahmad Usmani in June 1947, the Quaid vehemently assured that an Islamic constitution would be implemented in Pakistan. Speaking on a reform scheme at Sibbi Derbar on 4th February 1948, Quaid e Azam proclaimed that:

“In proposing this scheme, I have had one underlying principle in mind, the principle of Muslim democracy. It is my belief that our salvation lies in following the golden rule of conduct set for us by our great law-giver the Prophet of Islam. Let us lay the foundations of our democracy on the basis of truly Islamic ideals and principles”.

Whenever Quaid e Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah got an opportunity to speak on Islam, he advocated a rational approach. “In the pursuit of truth and the cultivation of beliefs,” he said, “we should be guided by our rational interpretation of the Quran, and if our devotion to truth is single-minded, we shall, in our own measure, achieve our goal. In the translation of this truth into practice, however, we shall be content with so much, as so much only, as we can achieve without encroaching on the rights of others, while at the same time not ceasing our efforts always to achieve more.”

The great Quaid Muhammad Ali Jinnah championed the cause of womanhood, advocating for women an equal share with men in social and national life as per the Islamic teachings.

“In the great task of building the nation and maintaining its solidarity, women have a most valuable part to play. They are the prime architects of the character of the youth who constitute the backbone of the state. I know that in the long struggle for the achievement of Pakistan, Muslim women have stood solidly behind their men. In the bigger struggle for the building up of Pakistan that now lies ahead let it not be said that the women of Pakistan had lagged behind or failed in their duty.”

Like a true Muslim, the great Quaid was incorruptible. The Last British Viceroy, Lord Mountbatten rightfully admitted when he said:

“I tried every trick I could play to shake Jinnah’s resolve. Nothing would move him from his consuming determination to realize the dream of Pakistan.”

Jinnah’s dream for Pakistan was based on the principles of social justice, brotherhood and equality, which he aimed to achieve under his motto of “Faith, Unity, and Discipline.” Jinnah’s successors were tasked with consolidating the nation of Pakistan that Jinnah had so determinedly established.

Let us commemorate 25th December 2013 as the 137th birth anniversary of Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah, Founder of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. Let us implement his guidelines and legacies in letter and spirit.

The remembrance starts with changing cover photos, symbolizing regard for the statesman Jinnah.

Muhammad Ali Jinnah

Muhammad ALi Jinnah2

The First Cabiet of Pakistan

Muhammad Ali Jinnah

While on Twitter #ThankYouJinnah and #ImSorryJinnah are the top trends in Pakistan.


Don’t Fall in Love with Love

Don't Fall in Love with LoveDon’t fall in love with love. There is nothing worse than a paradox like this. Love the person, not the feeling. If you fall in love with love, it will leave you twenty times over the course of a single month, leave you bloody and begging for mercy, leave you seeping into the ground like an oil spill, the bones that once held you up and kept you strong now evaporating from your spine and ribs.

If you fall in love with love, the person you’re supposed to love instead will become the skeleton inside the skin of that love, hidden beneath the surface. You’ll notice their outline but never what fills them in. When a person becomes nothing but darkened lines and cross hatches, there’s no way they can be appreciated whole. And when you fall in love with love, it’ll already be making plans to break up with you before you even learn its first name. If you’re the hand, love is the bird that’s always trying to dive through your fingers and kiss the sunrise instead.

Love isn’t bouquets of yellow roses or chocolates that come in every shape imaginable, or holding hands and tracing the lines in someone’s palm like tree rings. Maybe that’s what love does, but that’s not what love is. Love is the building that burns down before you can find a way out. Love is a beautiful soft morning stapled over the rice paper of a pitch-black night, trying to cover up all the potholes and dusty craters reaching out to grip your ankles and pull you in. Love is the alibi for the messiest, most gruesome crime scene ever known to man and womankind, more brutal than even some seasoned detectives can handle. Love isn’t guaranteed. It’s certainly not something you’d ever want to fall for.

When you’re more in love with the feeling than the person it’s intended for, the relationship is over before it even started. If you’re more willing to get the shape of love tattooed on the insides of your eyelids than the face of the person you’re hoping to marry, that ink is going to fade faster than the tattoo artist can fill it back in. When you walk yourself down a chain of people like a police lineup, trying to choose a partner for your loneliness that you don’t even particularly care for, then you’re guilty as charged. That person’s heart could be dusted for thumbprints and the cops wouldn’t find a single one of yours lovingly smudged into the aorta. If you really loved someone, your handprints would be all over their soul.

Don’t fall in love with love. Fall in love with someone who will stand before you willing to piece every broken shard of your shattered body back together whenever life rips out your seams. Fall in love with someone whose voice would make you break the sound barrier if you could just turn it all the way up and make it dance a bass beat inside your bones. Fall in love with someone that swallows every last ounce of your breath until it rests like a pile of coins inside the wishing well of their stomach. Fall in love with someone who kisses you without training wheels and explores every peak and valley of your body without a safety harness or chalked-up gloves.

Love doesn’t care about your safety. Love doesn’t give a damn about how sometimes it hurts you so much it turns your bones inside out and doesn’t bother to zip you up again. Love doesn’t need probable cause before it breaks into your heart and plunders everything valuable stored inside its rooms. Love will keep resetting your internal organs until they’re no longer capable of interacting with one another in a functional way. Love will light candles in the pockets of your bloodstream and trick you into believing it’s about to turn on romantic music inside the record player of your lungs before blowing every wick out and leaving soot and melted wax crusted everywhere.

So don’t fall in love with love. Love is dangerous. Fall in love with the person who will scrub the broken graffiti of loneliness from the walls of your stomach and replace it with an oil painting of a future that looks so beautiful even Michelangelo couldn’t replicate it.

Love will wreck you. But the person you love will clear you from the rubble.


Small Steps to Happiness :)

  1. Find What Makes you HappyPush yourself to get up before the rest of the world – start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. Go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.
  2. Push yourself to fall asleep earlier – start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.
  3. Erase processed food from your diet. Start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, and then bread. Use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.
  4. Stretch. Start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. Roll your head. Stretch your fingers. Stretch everything.
  5. Buy a 1L water bottle. Start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.
  6. Buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. Write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. No detail is too small.
  7. Strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. Put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. Make your bed in full.
  8. Organize your room. Fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. Light a beautiful candle.
  9. Have a luxurious shower with your favorite music playing. Wash your hair, scrub your body, and brush your teeth. Lather your whole body in moisturizer, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, and the back of your neck.
  10. Push yourself to go for a walk. Take your headphones, go to the park and walk. Smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back.
  11. Message old friends with personal jokes. Reminisce. Suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. Push yourself to follow through.
  12. Think long and hard about what interests you. Crime? Sex? Boarding school? Long-forgotten romance etiquette? Find a book about it and read it. There is a book about literally everything.
  13. Become the person you would ideally fall in love with. Let cars merge into your lane when driving. Stick your tongue out at babies. Compliment people on their cute clothes. Challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. Then two. Then a week.
  14. Walk with a straight posture. Look people in the eye. Ask people about their story. Talk to acquaintances so they become friends.
  15. Lie in the sunshine. Daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. Open your eyes. Take small steps to make it happen for you.

NetBeans 7.0 and above UML plugin

If you are using NetBeans 7.0 or above, you probably can’t find your UML plugin any more in the default repository.

From what I can read on the net, the team is working on the plugin rewriting it, and this will take a while.

Semi-broken solution

There is another way to install it, but beware, the plugin will be semi-broken, so jump down to another solution if you like to generate a pretty UML diagram from your code:

  1. by the menu navigate to Tools -> Plugins;
  2. select the “Settings” tab;
  3. click the “Add” button;
  4. as URL copy the following into the textbox:

Now on the tab “Available Plugins” there should be UML in category UML.
The problems are:

  • “reverse engineering” command seem to work but you can’t open the files;
  • You can write a class diagram and work on it, but when you open your project next time you will unable to open the diagram again.

So all you can do is work on a temporary diagram, if you need only it.

Another solution

NetBeans UML PlugIn
NetBeans UML PlugIn

You can use yWorks UML Doclet community edition.
This solution will only let you generate a pretty UML diagram from your code.

  1. Download the library from here;
  2. right click on your java project in project explorer within NetBeans;
  3. click on “Properties”;
  4. select  Build => Documenting;
  5. On “Additional Javadoc Options” textbox paste the following (beware, I’m under windows):
    -docletpath “<yworks-uml-doclet-path>\lib\ydoc.jar” -resourcepath “<yworks-uml-doclet-path>\resources” -doclet ydoc.doclets.YStandard -umlautogen

    Where <yworks-uml-doclet-path> is the path of the yworks-uml-doclet folder.
    In my case <yid> is:

  6. click “OK“;
  7. right click on your java project in project explorer within NetBeans;
  8. click Generate Javadoc;

Now, within your Javadoc you will have a very nice UML driagram for your classes.

Thanks to Matthew W. Johnson for this solution.

Still unable to create UML design ? Post your issues in the comment section below