You

When I was 9 years old I began making a list of things that terrify me, and I started out writing things such as thunderstorms, bee stings, monsters, and darkness. As I grew older my list did, too and the things I fear now are entirely different; for death, illness, the unknown and, most recently, you are what now keeps me up at 3 A.M

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Escape

ImageFile quote21 weeks or somewhat 4 months ago, I talked about escape, escape through people, conversation, book or hobby.
But in reality it was a different experience, I found my escape in solitude.
The things and reasons that put me there made me question every conversation, interaction and relationship I’ve had so far. And it was painful, to say the least.
I felt so guilty admitting that I was sad, that I was hurting. I don’t know why. It was pretty ironic, in any case. That’s why I didn’t talk about it much. I couldn’t bear to see the expression of disdain on someone else’s face. I couldn’t bear the judgement
It all meant so much to me, and at that very moment it meant nothing. Probably it was god’s plan, or maybe I needed someone to put the burden on. Nothing was right and I had no idea what to do anymore. It felt like I’ve lost control of my life.
I’m no Socrates, Aristotle or Dale Lama, to have it all figured out. And not someone who forgives people who wrong them. But I am hopelessly in love with memories. Flashes from another time, another place.
So many people own a piece of me, be it habit, memory or soul. But one thing I’ve learned is that you don’t have to understand things for them to be.
But what’s next? Bonded to escape?
For me it was reconciliation, acknowledging what I got, be it good or bad. I know it gets difficult, but tell me, does anything worth keeping come easy? It never does, never will. So I decided to pay my regards.
Goodbyes are hard, it’ like dying a little.
But sometimes, that’s the only way.

The other half of me

I looked at her and realized something; she wasn’t the other half of me. I was not a half, and for that I needed to find the whole of my heart for her, and me. My heart isn’t split in the way where one person would make it whole with their love, my heart is split in the way where in order for me to love and be loved I needed to find the other half of the part that loves me, and accepts the person I am. I have found that part of me, the part where I see myself and feel content. It’s been a long time since I’ve been happy with my physical aspect of myself, but I found that peace through her and me. I looked at her and realized how I could explain the way I feel about us, about her. “You aren’t the other half of me,” The look of confusion evident on her face made me second guesses my approach. :What I mean is, I don’t want you to be the other half of my heart, that would mean I am never whole when I’m without you. What I need is for you to be its home, because then I know I’ll always find my way back to you. If you’re my heart’s home I can promise you one thing, I will trust you to handle it with care, I will trust you to protect it and keep it safe from the storms. And with that you can trust me to be loyal, and know that I’ll always find my way back home. You can rest peacefully knowing that I will protect and fight of any demons that try to invade or take away my home from me, because home is where the heart is and my hearts with you.” The expression of disbelief and shock appeared over her features.

“Was that a good answer?” I asked cautiously, she looked at me and took my hand in hers, as she placed it over our home.

“Perfect”.

The other half of me

How to Survive

1 – count.
tell yourself
one. two. three.
four. five. six.
start over.

2 – breathe.
it goes like this:
in, out. in, out.
you can close your eyes,
but just breathe.

3 – cry.
let tears fall.
scream, wail
sob your sorrows.
don’t be alright.

4 – talk.
don’t be silent.
don’t listen to that voice
that says no one cares
they’ll listen.

5 – laugh.
laugh loudly
at anything.
laugh because
it’s raining.

6 – keep moving
life is a river darling
and you stop
and start drowning,
so move.

7 – learn.
learn to dance.
learn to suck at things
and be okay with it.
do things you never expected.

8 – have fun.
watch a movie,
eat ice cream in bed
with only your socks on,
don’t brush your hair that day.

9 – I’m going to tell you something,
it’s different from the rest, now
you need to know though
so here it is
right now:

10 – it’s okay
to not be okay
to regress, because an arrow
only moves forward, once it is pulled back
and you’re an arrow darling.

HowToSurvive

So count to ten
breathe in. breathe out.
cry.
talk.
laugh loudly.
keep moving.
keep learning.
have fun.
darling, this is how you survive

From a book I might write

“I could have talked to her all day. She’s like the person you could talk about your darkest secrets and most embarrassing moments to. For once no one liked at me as if I’m a freak. She’s wonderful.”

“If she is, tell her” he said.

“I can’t tell her, I’m scared she doesn’t feel the same way.
Girls like her aren’t suppose to like a person like me.
I don’t want to be rejected by the one I love.”

“You should tell her,” he said.

“I could have, but she’s like a piece of art in a museum. When you meet a girl like that you don’t grab her you sit back back and admire her.”

“Don’t doubt yourself.
Don’t be afraid about loving someone.
Some people die without knowing someone loved them.
Tell her before she doesn’t know someone loves her.”

From a book i might write

If only we could be lovers